Kancolle Whatever by Northernhell

Heroes of Kancolle Spring 2016 Event

Kancolle Spring Event 2016 is over and after much bitchery and rng dice rolls, I’ve managed to clear all 7 event maps on easy. Yea, once again I could have managed normal maybe but just by looking at the prizes, just not worth it really. The only thing that most people wanted was the new and shiny American battleship Iowa anyways, which was the E7 clear reward, the final map; so for me there was little incentive to even attempt normal, just clear that shit gimme my big boob American boat.

With that said, this event is pretty annoying and in some degrees very repetitive and stupidly rng based. Starting with E1 all the way to E4, things were alright; rng yes, but still manageable and you had the feeling that well, you were still playing a overly developed flash game that had some element of decision making and strategy. Starting with E5 things began to get stupidly rng and basically from here on to the end of the event, you need carriers and planes, a shitload of carriers and planes. Damaging bosses in E5, E6 and E7 were not a problem, chipping them down and even occasionally even getting S rank on them was feasible…then you get down to last dance and they become damn near impossible to kill.

You absolutely relied on airstrikes, opening, land base or expedition support strikes for damage…if your airstrikes didn’t do good damage to the boss, NOPE, you ain’t killing shit, try again. Luckily I did this shit on easy and was still able to clear everything, but it’s so stupid because it became almost completely irrelevant what your other boats did, which is why it’s so annoying, the developers effectively designed the final stages to be only clear-able if you got good airstrikes, which in my opinion is poor game design and adds artificial difficulty in the form of rng.

Clearing E5, E6 and E7 feels like this to me: roll 3 dice, if all dice is over 5, you get to roll another single dice, if this dice is over 5 you win; basically if any dice is under 5, you lose automatically. What the fuck is this shit? Aside from bullshit game design, it’s time to get down to the purpose of this post, honoring the Heroes of Our Time; the MVP boat waifus that performed and excelled their call of duty during these battles on the high seas and led their admiral to victory.

9. Suzuya

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Suzuya was used in pretty much all of the maps where additional CAVs were needed and performed fairly well. Although outclassed by Tone class I still use her frequently being that she is my second highest CAV in the game, plus I like her design and ho-ish personality, considerably more than Kumano which is why she is on this list and not her. Solid CAV and a fun personality/decently sized boobs deserve recognition.

8. Tone

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To be honest I totally ignored Tone originally because of her butt ugly normal art. Drawn by the same artist as the Sendai sisters and Ashigara sisters, “Bob”; it becomes apparent that all of the aforementioned boats art improve significantly once they get to kai2 with “Bob” trying a lot harder and such. Tone and her sister ship Chikuma are probably the strongest CAV in the game, considering they are the only ones that I can think of with a kai2 form. With that said, Tone has become my go to CAV this event and has been consistently strong throughout, plus how can I ignore the fact that her kai2 form basically confirms that Tone class doesn’t wear panties? Tsundere with twin tail white ribbons? How can she not be on this list?

7. Kaga/Akagi

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It probably goes without saying that whenever carriers are involved in an event, Akagi and Kaga will probably be on my list. As my highest leveled carriers, Kaga and Kaga provided the air power that I needed when necessary, which means basically everything from E4 onwards, since the event was pretty much one big air battle circlejerk. Sure, I could have put in Shokaku or Zuikaku as by now, they are technically superior carriers but you know what? I don’t have that catapult shit to get them to kai2 whatever, so too bad, yea you were used, but Kaga and Akagi will always be better than you, just like in the show bitches. Awww yeaaa 1st Carrier Division 4 lyfe. Just wait till one day they get kai2, shit will get ruined.

6. Fusou

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Sometimes you need to use a BBV, cause you know, dem planes from carriers need a little extra to ruin the enemies shit. I have 2 BBVs, Fusou and her sister boat, Yamashiro. Yamashiro is only like level 60 and not kai2 so unfortunately not strong enough to use in the event, my Fusou on the other hand is pretty high leveled, like mid 90’s considering she was my first BB in the game so it goes without saying that I used her when maps called for it, usually combined carrier fleets. Equipped with the stronger Zuiuns, Type 3 Shells and red guns, she played a crucial role in clearing out junk mobs so that the escort fleet can do their thing when night battle comes for last dance final boss kills. Consistently accurate shelling damage, additional airstrike power and great at killing shittier enemy boats, Fusou definitely deserves a spot on this list.

5. Abukuma

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Equip mini sub, get opening torpedo attack, get pee-emptive damage or boat kills, clear node, continue, you know the drill. Abukuma was used in pretty much every map which called for a CL, and despite her annoying voice, always served her purpose, getting opening torpedo damage, ruining the lives of CLT’s like Kitakami and Ooi since they couldn’t be used in almost all maps without being re-directed to some bullshit hard node. Yea, Abukuma is broken, shit shouldn’t be allowed yo. But whatever, considering the difficulty and bullshit that people had to go through for this event, it’s like almost mandatory that you use her. Shit, fucking game developers forcing me to use this annoying bitch. Abukuma definitely deserves a spot on this list, but only because YOU NEED THE POWER.

4.  Yuudachi

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So Poi is like my highest leveled Destroyer right, she was pretty much guaranteed a spot on this list but what put her so high on this list is her very high shelling power stats. This event had an overabundance of what has become known as “soft” installation targets, which require certain equipment to do decent damage such as those green Type3 shells. You see, destroyers normally can’t do shit to installations, however, if you equip WG42 (Wurfgerät 42) a rare equip only found on rare sub U-511, then magically your destroyers become relevant again to doing damage. I was lucky enough to have U-511 drop for me, meaning I had 1 WG42. It goes without saying that I equipped that shit on Poi since her attack power for a destroyer is top tier, she contributed handily in night battle and I think got a final kill on one of the stages, can’t remember. Good job Poi, the Nightmare of Solomon lives up to it’s name.

3. Prinz Eugen

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German boats are so good. With that being said, lets talk about Prinz. From a marketing standpoint, she’s the star of the show. She’s a great hero. When we look at the way she’s portrayed in promotional media, lore, and art in game we know a few things about her..She’s Fast. She’s Silly. She’s Kind. She’s a good Friend. Her body seems to be comprised of about 95% spunk. Almost all of her art reflects this. She’s got fun poses. She’s got an amazing ass. She’s got nice boobs. She’s got a cute personality. All of this art reinforces the great character you’ve built around Prinz. Then out of seemingly no where you equip her with a Type 3 Shell and you get this shit: A crazy mother fucking night battle ruiner of installation boss bitch. Aww yea, relevant meme’s aside Prinz has done an outstanding job doing damage to installation bosses, meaning all, always consistently strong damage and hardly missing her target. A staple of all my combined escort fleets, however, Prinz can only be outdone by…

2. Choukai

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I’ve had Choukai for a long time, I think she was my first Heavy Cruiser when I first started playing Kancolle and leveled her up to around 70-ish but for some reason never got around to kai2-ing her. Maybe it’s because with the great abundance of other boats that I got from events and whatnot, I kind of forgot about her, seeing as it’s far more cool and easier to level up battleships only to realize that you can’t use that many in most events. Fuck. So after this realization I went back to take a look at my CA situation at the time, pretty weak; that’s when I decided I was going to kai2 Maya and Choukai. My priority was Maya first and she served me well in previous events with her great AA-cut in, but when I got Choukai to kai2 i didn’t know what her gimmick or pull was, why would you need her kai2. However, after this event it became evident to me that Choukai didn’t need an extra ability or gimmick like Abukuma or whatever, she has one thing: FIREPOWER. As the CA with the highest shelling power currently in the game, Choukai is like a mini fast battleship that could fire torpedoes and shit and equip the all too important Type 3 Shells. Choukai got my final kills on E5, E6 and E7, probably some of the earlier maps too but I can’t remember. With such consistency and achievements such as that many final kills, you would think that I would make Choukai the Hero of Our Time; we got boobs, Nao Toyama, glasses, cute hardworking personality; but sometimes defense makes for the best offense, which is why the title of “Hero of Our Time” goes to…

1. Akizuki

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Akizuki has come a long way for me in terms of usability. From a simple cute looking trophy boat to realizing her true potential as a monster AA-cut in beast, Akizkui truly was the unsung hero of all the late maps of this event, from E4 to E7. Considering the heavy air battle emphasis during this event, I needed a solid destroyer that had excellent AA-cut in ability, of course I had a variety of options, I could have gone with Maya but that would lower my damage potential as I would need her to equip the necessary shit, I couldn’t have gone with Fubuki, because she is shit and I don’t’ have her leveled. I could have gone with her sister, Hatsuzuki but for some reason she was lower leveled than Akizuki, despite the fact that I got her first for some reason, I dunno. So it was Akizuki in the end and she did a wonderful job at triggering AA-cut in’s when they mattered most, lessening the overall time it took me to clear every stage since every boat was healthier by the time I got to the boss node. This also meant that overall my carriers had more planes, meaning higher chance of good airstrike damage and air superiority, meaning happier safer boats for all. While she did little damage to actual bosses, her support role was invaluable for me. As the first boat in game equipped with the 10cm-HAFD as stock equipment, I expected no less, plus she’s really cute and I like her design. Congratulations Akizuki, you are the “Hero of Our Time”.

Honorable Mentions: Hiei, Kongo, Haruna, Yamato, Nagato, Shimakaze, Yukikaze, Amatskaze, Shokaku, Zuikaku, they all at some point did good for my fleet but their use was limited to maybe 1 or 2 maps, whereas the top 9 were in almost every sortie.

Bonus Points:

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I sometimes frequent Nico Nico video looking at random Japanese videos and I came across a re-uploaded video from the BBQ Pit Boys, a fairly popular youtube chanel about some old American white guys cooking and BBQing shit. I occasionally watch BBQ Pit Boys videos on youtube but I was surprised to find that for some reason their reposted videos attract a decent amount of views on Nico. When I was looking for images for Akizuki I came across the above illustration. What the fuck? BBQ Pit Boys fan art with Akizuki holding a burger? Wut? I would think maybe Kongo or Iowa consider the English and all but Akizuki? I don’t really see the connection here. But then again this is fan art so who gives a shit, dudes can draw whatever they want. Shittttt. It’s GUD. (Thumbs up)