As May comes to a close, so does the insanity known as the Kancolle Spring Event 2016. What was supposed to be the long awaited release of the American battleship Iowa, derived into a giant spiral of madness; at least for some admirals. At it’s very onset the event was extended past it’s original end date due to a variety of bugs and problems with the new land base air mechanics and other bullshit that apparently was not tested enough. Was it hard? It was ok, not too bad for easy mode. Was it fun? Hell no, not even. Considering the linear and very specific clearing methods for this event in general (you need dem airstrikes) it’s probably one of the most unenjoyable events I’ve cleared thus far while playing this flash abomination. Ahwell at least I got my big boob American boat, so that’s all that matters. In any case here are a few of the highlights of the new boat waifus that I obtained this event.
Mai Top New Boat Waifus
6. Nowaki
Another destroyer that i will probably end up not using. Nowaki has an alright design; sporting a shirt/tie combo with the usual vest type of thing on top similar to most Kagerou class destroyers. Hmm. Unlike her sisters, I think she’s the only with with a tie and has the vest unbuttoned. Not bad. Too bad she seems like a very serious and emotionless girl; it’s also unfortunate that she’s basically flat, no boob to be seen here. Ahwell, probably still keep her around for awhile until I’m strapped for space.
5. Kamikaze
Kamikaze is all about killing herself, cause you know, KAMIKAZE!!! Aside historical word associations with the name for aerial suicide attacks, wiki tells me that Kamikaze translates roughly as “divine wind” which is fair enough to me. Her design is very traditional, sporting a kimono, yellow ribbon, long redish-purple hair and high boots. Hmm…to be honest I’m not terribly fond of overly traditional Japanese clothing design for boats but I suppose it works, although in my opinion it’s a bit plain. Her expression and personality suggest what you would expect from a dutiful, loyal Japanese solider, willing to you know; perform KAMIKAZE in the name of the emperor at a moments notice. Too bad her stats kind of suck, maybe kai2 one day.
4. Harukaze
Unlike Kamikaze which was a E3 map clear reward, Harukaze is actually a rare drop which can only be obtained from E7 boss node drop, which for most people wouldn’t even bother trying to farm for because, you know, E7. However, I was somehow lucky enough for her to drop for me during my runs to clear the map and well, feels good to have something that most people don’t have. Another destroyer of the Kamikaze class, Harukaze sports similar traditional clothes as her sister ship except with an umbrella but is pretty much a standard lady/rich girl; she even has the trademark rich girl curls/drill hair which I’m pretty fond of. Not bad, will probably level because of rarity but like most trophy destroyers, will probably end up never seeing actual use. Ahwell, maybe kai2 one day.
3. U-511/Ro-500
Awwww yea. Finally got my German loli sub after numerous runs of E3. Farming her wasn’t too bad and I was fortunate enough to get her early enough to actually use her default stock equipment in actual battle equipped to Poi. U-511 has been around for awhile now but I’ve never been able to get her from events, well more accurately, because I think the last time she was farm-able I was too weak to even get to the map that dropped her, can’t remember. But in any case, I’m pretty happy with her, considering she is one of several boats designed by strike witch creator, Shimada Humikane, I think…actually all German boats are designed by him. Hmm. For her early forms she is so uptight and shy, with very serious militaristic naval gear and uniform, perhaps more than any other boat in the entire game that I can immediately think of. But then…she gets her kai2, changes her name to Ro-500 and gets pretty much a complete loli makeover sporting the blue school swimsuit, cropped sailor top, tanned skin and a cheerful smile. Wow. You da real MVP Shimada Humikane, you da real MVP…
2. Pola
Pola is another Italian heavy cruiser similar to Zara which was released last event. With that said, she probably won’t be seeing much real battle considering that just like Zara, she doesn’t have any torpedo power, which is a shame but I guess it is historically accurate. Usability aside, I really like Pola’s design and character personality. She’s got all the frilly maid like clothes that all Italian boats have and has a fairly sizeable bust size and sports the string-tied thigh-high socks which I dig. Her personality is that of an lazy air-headed girl but still cheerful and fun which apparently translates into her sounding like being drunk all the time. Heh. Italians. Works out I guess. I like white hair, I like pasta, I like booze, I like boobs. I like funny. As an E5 clear reward I’m pretty sure most admirals will have her and with it, I’m sure there will be a sizable following of fans seeing as I don’t think there’s any other boat that sounds like she’s drunk..all the time.
1. Iowa
And so we come to the end, the reason why we even put ourselves through this stupid repetitive insanity, the great American battleship Iowa, one of the few WWII boats that actually is still afloat today. As E7 clear reward, I hope that most admirals were able to obtain her but considering your level of stupidity, you may have thought you were all that and shit and went medium/hard and couldn’t clear E6 bullshit; too bad for those people, whoever they are, it’s OK, this is for America; it’s fine to throw away your pride and go easy mode. It’s worth it. As the first USN boat in Kancolle, it was brought with much praise and delight to most players, although probably some hyper nationalist Japanese players disliked it, cause you know, American boats pretty much ruined all of your other boat waifus. But that’s ok, this is a game and it’s just for fun so with that being said, Iowa’s design is what I would expect from lord Shizuma Yoshinori; blonde hair, blue eyes, huge boobs, tight-fitting tied-boob-shirt/corset thing, American flag thigh-highs with garter-belt straps, white arm-sleeve-gloves, cowboy belt and buckle, star shaped-pupils, silly looking hat-thing. Fuck, can’t get any more stereotypical American than this, I love it. Maybe it’s asking for too much to have her with a cowboy hat? Cause you know, it’ll make Kancolle Great Again™. Her design has been said to be a combination of a grown up version of Shimakaze with boobs and Nagato which is fairly accurate I’d say, one that I can get behind and don’t mind. As an American boat, she has a considerable amount of English phrases and lines, which can be fairly cringe worthy depending on your tolerance level, but personally I’m fine with it. It’s not exactly Nao Toyama Kongo, burning love English greatness but it’ll take it. When Iowa was first released on the PSVita version of Kancolle, her popularity was immediate and now that she’s on the original browser game, it’ll only continue further with fanart, doujin, merchandise and figures. If they ever make a Iowa figure, and I know they probably will in a year or two, I’ll probably end up getting it. Congratulations Iowa, you are the Top Boat Waifu of Spring Event 2016.
Honorable Mentions: None (Fuck, I farmed Teruzuki for like 2 weeks and still nothing…)
Bonus: Accurate illustration of Spring Event 2016
