By special request I have been asked to review the first episode of Neo Yokio, an animated series which through and through can be considered as fake anime, American anime, weeb anime, white anime, English anime whatever, you get the idea. The point of the matter here is that it’s anime style but the contents itself is not even close to being Japanese. This is nothing new. I have dabbled in watching several fake animes such as the youtube webshow RWBY which is horrible shit but only has it’s good merit in it’s character design and through the weird fact of reverse meta of it being re-dubbed in Japanese and re-edited for Japanese consumption, meaning it’s being promoted with anime figures and it’s characters being featured in the upcoming arc system works 2d fighting game Blazblue Cross Battle.
Yea, that’s cool and all but that’s not why we are here today.
We are here today for Neo Yokio, a show that can only be described as:
Nigga anime.
Well that is all cool and all but the problem arises from the fact that it’s horribly bad, like I mean REALLY BAD, I’m talking about what the fuck are you niggas smoking when you guys created this. Add the fact that the son of the Fresh Prince of Bel Air is the main voice actor for the shit, Jaden Smith and is one of the main producers of the show and we got an exercise in futility.
Because this is a special request, it’s not good enough to just do to run down of what I witnessed in my half hour of awe, so without further ado, let’s break this shit down part by part with screen caps.
The show starts off with some old school 4:3 aspect ratio commercial which is supposed to be a promotional video for the city “Neo Yokio” which by any standards is a shit lazy non-creative approach instead of saying “New York” but whatever. The video goes on to describe how wonderful the city is and it’s history of some wizard shit and demons, with people back in the day fighting demons and how that has become a profession with ranking and all that. Please note that black man with glasses.
After that bullshit world building sequence we are greeted with the opening sequence. Yay it’s Kaz; Jayden Smith’s alter ego main character. Note his slick ass glowy watch cause that’s what you do when you live the high life as a rich ass nigga.
Oh look, it’s some more black guys in the introduction, I guess they must be Jaden’s friends. Probably gay too, might as well I guess. The entire introduction sequence plays like a slideshow to classical music, which I find out throughout the course of the show is the theme song to this train-wreck, fuck it’s annoyingly pretentious.
After the opening we see our boy Kaz moping around on a tennis court watching some white hos play tennis. Apparently he is depressed because he just got dumped by his girlfriend. His giant robot butler tries to ease his pain and console him. He is voiced by Jude Law. Oh my god why Jude Law, I thought you were better than this, I guess not. Guess you haven’t been getting very many job offers after playing the main villain of King Arthur in the most recent hollywood fare. So anyways this bitch says some shit about take care of your watch but nigga boy don’t give a shit and throws it away on the street anyways. WHY.
Oh yea, writhe in that sadness young Jayden. You don’t have a girlfriend anymore. Boo hoo nigga.
After some more phonetically impaired speech by the Not A Cowaarrd actor, his Jude Law bot informs him that he is late to pick up a new suit for some event later on and it’s only by appointment. He goes. Why dis boy is picking out suits blind folded can only be described as Fresh, I suppose by his dad’s advice. He goes on to say that’s the way it’s done cause he is so the shit.
The store owner comes around and praises our boy’s distinct taste in choosing his clothes. Why. Just Why. Notice how the store attendant is a fellow brother? Yea, I thought so too.
After picking a suit Jayden gets a call to do some work, he’s a demon hunter exorcist or whatever and fights ghosts and demons right, well this is like New York ghost busters after all but much worse. Apparently the client is one of his old girl friends, one that he’s had a rocky relationship with but decides to go anyways. He goes into this rich bitches house and her parents come and tell her something is wrong with her and that she is disabled or whatever. For some reason her “friends” are sitting there all sad and crying and shit because their gal is like in a coma or whatever.
Look at the picture above; I can’t help but think of only one thing:
NIGGA PLEASE.
Why. Why is actually quite amazing. I See 3 girls, 2 are without any mistake can only be described as black, BLACK ANIME, OH SHIT WE GETTING TOO REAL HERE. For too long have niggas been placed in the backbenches of the minority, in pretty much everything; got a commercial? Add 1 black women, got 4 friends? One must be black, someone must be smart? Gotta be the black guy with glasses yo. Oh man, for once black > white. The white girl is basically a young bulma for dbz anyways and since blacks love dbz, she might as well be too I suppose. So 3 black girls, amazing equality in animation! Can’t wait to see who Jayden’s old girl was.
Hmm. Who is that, is that Jayden’s old girlfriend? Damn son, you just had to get the white rich girl with blue hair. And one that is possessed by some demon floating in a purple bubble? Shit. Living the dream I guess.
Like any good stereotypical anime would try first, our main boy here would like to solve this issue first with violence so, Kamehameha away young Jayden. Notice how the energy is blue? Nigga wouldn’t have it any other way, it has to be blue in order to be canon and live up the dream of being a black DBZ character.
Of course the first blast never works and Jayden get’s told by his ex-girl and somehow gets trapped in a purple bubble of doom. Oh, the room is also being flooded because the blast ricochets off and hit some pipes or whatever, very important detail indeed.
“Do you see your children? It’s okay. They’re right there with you.” Look at the face of this boy facing certain doom, such bravery and heroism in the face of such hardship. Definitely Not A Cowaarrd What the hell is with those wiggly lines? Whatever.
Jayden proves that he is not a coward and manages to blast through the purple bubble and at the same time hitting his blue ho, conveniently blowing off her clothes as well. Nice there nigga. Oh, the room is flooded now so she falls into the water and like the true Cypher Raige one born so without the feeling of fear, decides to save her.
Wow, so sexy so hot. Blue hair, boobs and underwear lingerie? Too hot for TV, must ban immediately for the sake of the universal nigga protocol. By all standards the blast that hit her didn’t have to blow off only her clothes, by any regards, she should be dead or completely naked. But this is for those guys living the dream so yea, take what you can get.
Our blue haired maiden wakes up after some super hot mad beats from Jayden and is all like, what the hell happened. Jayden tells her the story of 5 minutes ago and she instantly reconnects and reminisces about the times of the past, about some party way back where they hooked up or something. Yea, she is totally chill bro. Congrat Jayden, you got a new girlfriend now, just living the dream I suppose.
Hurray our side story is solved, now to get back to the main story, that game they need to win to beat the local street hockey team.
Seriously. Not Basketball?
Yes you heard that right. In a nigga anime Jayden and his brothers play a sport for the city that is not basketball. Of all possible sports, they couldn’t have picked something which most people totally don’t give a shit about. Street hocket. What the fuck? You are seriously failing you Fresh father Jayden.
So like any main character in any show ever, Jayden is the star player of their team and they totally couldn’t win or do shit without him. Pretty much Lebron James but except with way more ego and less than a quarter of the skills. Notice how his brothers are each to the right and left of him, totally not a gay white anime. Yep, for that you gotta look for Avatar: The legend of Korra.
Oh look, after a heroic play Jayden scores the winning goal against his white Aryan superman opponents, proving a point that all Niggas are good at all sports and not just, basketball, baseball, football, soccer, running and anything that involves physical strength. Oh boy, he just looks so happy with that grin on his mouth, as if he’s saying “I’m not a coward! :)” fuck. Must be from the i-robot money I guess.
The show ends with a mild recap of the past 20 minutes or so, noting how amazingly handsome and a ladies man he is and how he just gets ALL the Bitches, as illustrated in the pink storyboard like frame of slideshows. Must be pretty confident with one white and one black girl. What ever happened to your blue haired ho? isn’t that your new girl, shit son, get your act together. Take a Knee.
Wow, look how refined Jayden and his crew are, making it quite clear that:
Black people like sushi too.
Oh shit what a revelation. And with that ends the first episode of Neo Yokio.
…
Damn son, so this is what money from a father like Will Smith can get you? Damnnnnnn you done fucked shit up pretty bad Jayden.
With that said, this show has pretty much no redeeming factors at all. Everything is horrible, from the story, the character designs, the audio, voice acting, premise, animation and general tone is abysmal. Sure you hired some Japanese directors and animators to do the character designs but it doesn’t matter because the very premise of this show is such an painful exercise in exploring Jayden’s smug alter ego and pretentious mindset that it becomes the very reason for this show’s existence. Like seriously, what the fuck, how could they fuck this up so badly, on paper it looks good, basically they wanted a slick ass gentleman black James bond type character that gets all the girls and just so happens to fight demons and shit. What they ended up with is After Earth Part II: Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous.
If there is only some redeeming factor from this shit it’s the fact that Jude law is the robot voice, cause I like Jude Law and feel sorry of him and the blue haired girl, she is actually not that bad by even real anime standards just a little bit above the sexiness of a random nameless character from Pokemon that only shows up once, which is saying something I suppose. And sushi, they drew that at the end so that must be worth some points, I like sushi too.
All in all Neo Yokio is a complete waste of time and a difficult exercise in modern Nigga anime gone wrong. Nigga anime can be good, such as the boondocks, Afro samurai, DBZ is kinda pseudo-nigga anime so that counts too as an example and Muhammad Avdol from Jo-Jo, he’s a black guy so Jo-Jo is pseudo-nigga anime too. I don’t know why Neo Yokio exists but damn Jayden, get your shit together and put that I-robot money from your father to better use.
Score: 10pc Fried chicken bucket